The Phantom Within: Leading Kids and Youth Toward Safe Identity Formation

Photo by Rainier Ridao on Unsplash

“Kids and youth come across phantoms until they can discover who they are and feel safe enough to communicate what is going on with them.” – Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

Leading in the Shadows

Every leader of children and youth must at some point confront the invisible. We teach, we serve, we organize games, Bible studies, and life skills sessions—but beneath the laughter and eye rolls, something deeper is often stirring. Phantoms, as van der Kolk calls them, haunt the internal landscapes of young people who have experienced pain, disconnection, or confusion. These are not literal ghosts, but unresolved memories, unspoken trauma, internalized shame, and silent questions of identity and worth.

As leaders, we are not just event coordinators or lesson deliverers. We are stewards of identity formation.

And the stakes are high.


1. Understanding the Phantom: The Hidden Struggles of Youth

The quote from The Body Keeps the Score reminds us that trauma in children often shows up in disguise—anger that masks fear, silence that cloaks shame, acting out that seeks attention not out of rebellion but out of a deep need to be seen.

Leadership Principle #1: Behaviors are not problems to be fixed—they are messages to be understood.

In leadership training, we often emphasize how to manage behavior. But healing leadership goes deeper. It listens beneath the surface. When a student lashes out, withdraws, or clings, there may be a "phantom" behind it—a father who left, a home that doesn’t feel safe, a past that doesn’t feel redeemable.


2. Discovering Identity: From Reaction to Revelation

Trauma obscures identity. Kids who walk through difficult experiences often internalize messages like “I’m not enough,” “I’m unsafe,” or “I’m alone.” These messages can distort their sense of self.

Leadership Principle #2: You cannot lead kids into who they are without first making space for who they are not.

We must make room for the confusion. We must give students language for the unknown. Healing and leadership go hand in hand when we help students separate their identity from their experience. They are not what happened to them. They are not their worst day. They are not the labels the world has pasted over their hearts.


3. Creating Safety: The Environment Where True Identity Emerges

The quote centers on the need for safety. This is where everything shifts. Healing, growth, and communication are all downstream of safety.

Leadership Principle #3: Psychological and relational safety is the foundation of transformation.

In practical terms, this means:

• Consistency: Be the adult who shows up.

• Boundaries: Teach that love and structure go hand in hand.

• Presence: Your non-anxious presence is often more powerful than your words.

• Confidentiality: Be a vault, not a megaphone.

• Validation: Take every story seriously. Belief is the beginning of healing.

Young people will not tell you what’s really going on until they believe they won’t be punished for their honesty or abandoned for their brokenness.


4. The Role of the Leader: Safe Bridge, Not Final Destination

Your job is not to fix or fill in every blank. Your job is to walk with. To guide. To become a bridge between who they are and who they are becoming.

Leadership Principle #4: Don’t just lead kids to answers—lead them into the process of becoming.

This requires emotional intelligence, humility, and Holy Spirit dependence. As a leader, ask yourself:

• Am I safe to talk to?

• Do I model emotional honesty?

• Do I create environments where doubt and questions are welcomed?

• Am I helping youth name their phantoms or just suppress them?

5. A Call to Emotionally Intelligent Leadership

Leadership in the lives of children and youth isn’t just about influence; it’s about formation. It’s about giving young people tools to name what’s unnamed, confront what’s hidden, and stand tall in who God says they are.

Let this be the training that reshapes your framework:

• Stop fixing. Start listening.

• Don’t rush to resolve. Make space to reflect.

• Instead of solving the phantom, walk with the person.

Application Points for Leaders:

1. Implement a Check-In System – Begin your groups or mentoring sessions with a simple “color check” or “weather report” on how each student is feeling.
2. Train Your Team in Trauma-Informed Practices – Not every volunteer is a therapist, but everyone can be trained to recognize signs of stress and how to respond safely.
3. Create Rhythms of Reflection – Use journaling, prayer stations, or quiet moments for youth to reflect on what’s happening internally.
4. Model Vulnerability – Share your own story in age-appropriate ways. When leaders go first, kids feel permission to follow.
5. Offer a “Safe Adult” Commitment – Let students know that you’re someone who listens without judgment and stands with them in the journey.

If there is one thing that you read and take away today, it is this. Kids and youth need safe leaders who can help them name their phantoms and discover who they truly are. Healing begins when identity is reclaimed in safe, consistent, and grace-filled spaces.

Reflection Questions for Leaders:

• Who in my care is showing signs of phantom struggles?

• What kind of environment am I cultivating—one of safety or pressure?

• How can I develop my emotional intelligence and trauma-informed leadership skills?

• Who models this kind of leadership for me?

• Am I creating opportunities for youth to find their voice?

Closing Thought:
We live in a world where trauma often speaks louder than truth. But as leaders, we are not powerless. We are not alone. Jesus modeled a ministry of presence—He touched the leper, sat with the outcast, and asked questions that gave dignity. We are called to do the same.

To every leader reading this: the phantom loses power when a student is seen, known, and loved. Be the leader who stays long enough for that to happen.

“The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts.” – C.S. Lewis

Let’s be irrigators of hope.